Written by FHM India
1. Aamdani Atthanni Kharcha Rupaiya: Don’t watch it with your girl because we have been told women feel terrible while watching this film. This is about three male chauvinistic pigs who go berserk when their respective wives start working. To humiliate the women, the men hire a bar dancer to do daily chores and look after their kids. Things take a funny twist once Bhimsha (Govinda) along with his wife Jhoomri (Juhi Chawla) move into the neighbourhood. While Johnny Lever manages to generate some laughter, Govinda continues flaunting his male breasts in body hugging tees and Juhi Chawla is such an embarrassment.
2. Veer: Salman Khan should be applauded for finding lookalikes of his girlfriends but slapped left, right and centre for featuring an actress who would have the same cup and waist size as Dolly Bindra. It seems Zarine Khan has silicon stuffed everywhere. The film, scripted by Salman himself, chronicles the 1825 Pindari movement of Rajasthan. There’s nothing, absolutely nothing, good about this film, which is a cocktail of Gladiator, Troy, Conan The Barbarian, and all those period films you can think of. And what the fuck is Sohail doing there? If your brothers are good for nothing, ask them to sit at home. Why are you making a film that even the people with terrible cinematic sense would refuse to watch? Spare us.
3. Awara Pagal Deewana: Akshay Kumar is no Keanu Reaves and Vikram Bhatt is not even remotely Larry and Andy Wachowski. Why the hell Vikram tried to rip off the famous lobby scene from the Matrix? Was he not better off as a waiter? Paresh Rawal and Johnny Lever infused laughter but we, the Bollywood fanatics, were left embarrassed.
4. Bichoo: Had Bobby not been Dharmendra’s son or Sunny Deol’s brother, he would have been a nobody in Bollywood. The film, which is a photostat Luc Besson’s Leon — The Professional, vouches for Bobby inability to dance, act or look good. Still he manages to convince Rani Mukerji to look as pathetic as him. Rani’s thunder thighs would have salvaged a softcore but not a Bollywood film. The film is so painful that you end up begging for an aspirin.
5. Boom: Did Amitabh Bachchan ever work in a softporn? Yes, he did in this Katrina Kaif starrer that glorified cleavage and hand jobs like never before. The film was all the more disappointing because director Kaizad Gustad’s directorial debut Bombay Boys was a fun ride. The plot revolves around the lives of three hot models, Anu Gaekwad (Madhu Sapre), Sheila Bardez (Padma Lakshmi) and Rina (Katrina Kaif) who get trapped in a diamond heist. This skin fest in the film was not just written off but also disgusted its makers to such an extent that the producer Ayesha Shroff (Jackie Shroff’s wife) and Kaizad parted ways. Good for us, we won’t be tortured anymore.
6. Dalal: Why should you not watch this film? Firstly because even if you’re high on Viagra, you wouldn’t pay to watch Ayesha Julka playing a prostitute. Secondly, Mithun is at his embarrassing best and thirdly, its superhit number Chadh Gaya Upar Re challenges your sensibilities. The script follows an innocent villager (Mithun) who’s hired by an influential pimp (Raj Babbar) to shadow one of his hottest asset (Ayesha Julka). Let’s not talk about Babbar Senior. You can write a book on his nightmarish role.
7. Drona: In Bollywood, you shouldn’t have ambitious and idiotic friends Goldie Behl, the director of Drona and Bachchan Junior’s friend. Goldie has left no stone unturned to capsize Abhishek’s already sinking career. By the way, he also directed Bas Itna Sa Khwab Hai in 1998. Drona, which is the story of a superhero who fights an evil magician, tries hard to follow the footsteps of Prince of Persia and Harry Potter Series but ends up curing insomnia.
8. Raja Babu: No one can dare to doubt Govinda’s comic timing but this guy is one of the most awkward chapters of Hindi film industry. The film is so horrid that only Shakti Kapoor, who plays Govinda’s sidekick, can flaunt this film in his resume. A Royal Enfield Bullet decorated with plastic flowers, Govinda’s tight trousers that appear stapled to his balls and Shakti Kapoor’s cheap thrills constantly mock your urban sensibilities.
9. Tees Mar Khan: Farah Khan killed her career the moment she thought that she can repeat the success of stupid films like MHN and OSO without SRK’s support. The result was TMK, a film so bad that you feel like peeing on the screen. While Akki’s list of consecutive flops swelled further, Katrina Kaif once again ended up as just a pretty face. While people who sat through the film were considered for several bravery awards, Farah Khan went back to judging reality shows because financers refused to fund her crap again.
10. Houseful: Sajid Khan’s sense of humour sucks big time. Only Jacqueline (his girlfriend) would laugh at his jokes that too when he puts his fingers down her throat. The film trade analysists would have been paid to declare this film a hit. Sajid Khan lost it completely when he started saying in the media that he has made 2010’s biggest blockbuster. He has some manufacturing defect, we guess.
11. Girlfriend: Sex sells Bollywood, well mostly. It was pretty cool to watch Isha Koppikar and Amrita Arora play a lesbian couple. Director Karan Razdan would’ve thought that sex-starved Indians wouldn’t mind paying to watch two girls seducing eachother. Alas! He was wronged. The film had some but not enough intimate scenes between the leading ladies. Everything looked half-baked. Nandita Das-Shabana Azmi starrer Fire was much better.
12. Gopi Kishan: We can’t stand one Sunil Shetty, how will we sit through a film that wants him to play a double role? The film is straight out of crap but Anna manages to prove that he can make you laugh and that his transformation from an action hero to comedy actor wasn’t a haphazard decision. The tale of two brothers sank without a trace.
13. Guddu: The film is as terrible as the name itself, and we’re sure SRK’s kids would refuse to accept him as their dad after watching this film. If you hate never-ending family melodrama, this film will choke you to death, and we’re not exaggerating. Shah Rukh should have left this film for other actors in the line like Ayub Khan.
14. Hawa: Do ghosts get erections? Can a ghost rape? Yes, it does in this super natural thriller where Tabu portrays the character of a divorcee who’s mysteriously raped by a spirit when they move into their forest house. The best part is, Tabu enjoys it in bits. Indeed there’s no limit to a filmmaker’s imagination.
15. Hello Brother: Salman has been a part of some films that shouldn’t have been made. There’re three basic mistakes in this film – farting in public isn’t cool, no matter what, you wouldn’t tune other men’s nipples or pluck their nasal hair; and thirdly Rani shouldn’t have worn minis with several layers of fat on her bum. The film is best forgotten.
16. Himmatwala: The film elevated Jeetendra to the list of bankable Eighties but it was an foolish film with a barely there plot, still we had our share of fun because this was a remake of a South Indian film. Bappi Da’s Taki Taki and Ladki Nahi Tu continue to rule the charts but we wouldn’t like to see Sridevi in swimming costume. Whenever she danced, it seemed as if an earthquake has just hit the screen. Anyways, a bad-good film.
17. Jaani Dushman: If ever the history of bad Bollywood films is written, this 2002 multistarrer will win hands down. Armaan Kohli is an ikshadhaari naag and Manisha Koirala, now the girlfriend of Sunny Deol, was an ikshadhaari nagin in the past life but she is clueless about it. When she commits suicide after being raped by the two male protagonists, the ‘naag’ swears to avenge her death. There’re several reasons why everyone from Amravati to Amsterdam who watched this film still haven’t forgotten the horrors of this film. It’s a film where Sunny Deol, Akshay Kumar, Sonu Nigam, Arshad Warsi, Sunil Shetty and Aditya Panchsholi are playing college students who’re tormented and some even killed by the naag who has the magical powers to unleash a superbike from his balls, run at lightghtining speed, walk on water, rip all laws of physics and superbly (pun intended) recreate the magic of Terminator. The guy actually disintegrates and reassembles after being shot. Isn’t our Terminator cool? We’re waiting for a sequel Arman. Ask your dad to finance it. This time, please copy RaOne.
18. Jo Bole So Nihaal: “No if, No But, Only Jut”, the only good thing about this film is this phrase which Sunny Deol shouts at the top of his voice every
15-minutes. The film’s tagline claims him to be cute and adorable. The director’s definition of cute is that the male lead would mommy’s boy, would rather look in the eyes of a booby girl, and would be very emotional. The man with dhai-kilo-ka-haath is adorable but certainly not cute. That’s not it. The villain, Romeo (Kamaal Khan) is such an amateur that you want to get hold of him before Sunny does and beat him to death. The skin show, however, tries to make it a paisavasool venture.
19. Darling: After the release of this film, Ramgopal Verma, Fardeen Khan and Isha Deol should have been thrown into the gutter that opens near Bermuda Triangle so that they could never return to bore us with another horror flick. There were few good reviews but we are not ready to believe that they weren’t paid for.
20. Julie: We couldn’t believe our eyes when in an interview Neha Dhupia said that she wants to change her sexy image because it’s the same girl who once served unlimited horny moment in this Deepak Shivdasani directed flick and went on to say that only sex and SRK sell in Bollywood. Who is interested in watching a film that intends to portray the plight of women who’re treated as sex object but ends up being a b-grade Bollywood film. However, it did give momentary erections to certain kind of audience.
21. Junoon: Had the people behind ‘Save the Tiger’ watched this flick, Rahul Roy would have been added to the total number of tigers left in the country. This film was so ahead of time that we were actually stunned to see a man turn into a tiger on every amawas (no moon night). Our favourite scene was the one when a horny lady seductively addresses Rahul as “tiger-tiger” completely ignorant of the fact that a real tiger is coming to bed her in the bathroom.
22. Laaga Chunari Mein Daag: They can create a separate industry of films that justify prostitution. LCMG is everything that a run-of-the-mill story on flesh trade is. There’s a dad who wanted a son, a melodramatic mom, a girl on whose shoulders lie the burden of managing the family, a sister who needs to be protected and a man who will love the ‘girl’ no matter with how many men has she given mouth job to. The film makes no sense at a time when leading ladies of Bollywood are daring to shed more than they once wanted to hide.
23. Love Story 2050: Please kill us for we watched this film in gold class. Some of us were even dumped for forcing our partners to watch this film that gives tough competition to Jani Dushman. Even Harman Baweja was shown the door by his girlfriend and costar Priyanka Chopra for being the son of a man who knows nothing about ‘how to make a good cinema?’ Instead of trying to make his son look like Hrithik Roshan, dad Harry Baweja should have taken tips from Rakesh Roshan directed his son HR in his debut blockbuster Kaho Na Pyaar Hai.
24. Mela: Aamir Khan’s pees with such perfection that it starts tasting like alcohol. Isn’t that great? In one of the scenes in this film inspector Phakkad Singh (Johnny Lever) asks bus conductor Kishan (Aamir Khan) for drinking water. Kishan who’s left with no water, pees in a bottle and passes it to the inspector who then gulps it down without any sign of shock. Perfection redefines itself when the inspector says that the fluid tasted like alcohol and that he would like to taste more of it. How about opening the tap Mr Perfectionist? Do we need to say more about a film that features such terrible scenes?
25. PadamShree Laloo Prasad Yadav: When director Mahesh Manjareker faltered in Pitaah after delivering Vaastav and Astitva, we gave him the margin of error but when we read his name next to the director’s slot of this film, we were sure that fame has corrupted him. Even the worst of films have a core idea but seems PLPY only purpose was to make the cast look like a bunch of idiots. Its dismal fate was well deserved.