Written by FHM India
1. RGV Ki Aag: If the underworld doesn’t finance Bollywood, who the hell gives Ram Gopal Verma the money to produce one bad film after another? Amitabh Bachchan may have said yes to this film because he didn’t want his son to be thrown out of the super successful Sarkar series. We’re being cynical because this film played with ‘the most loved’ film of Hindi cinema, Sholey, and it was defeated in every section. Shit looks better than shit, I say.
2. Rascal: When you’re too desperate to prove a point, you tend to make terrible mistakes. It can be best explained by David Dhawan’s directorial comeback Rascals, which though tries to be a comedy flick, ends up looking like B-grade film that has A-listers of Bollywood. There was not even a single frame, which made us laugh. Sanjay has lost it completely. He should stick to Munnabhai franchise. Full points to Lisa Hayden and Kangana Ranaut who serve the purpose of being there in the film. They very sportingly drop their tops even when not needed. Nice asset management David.
3. Naach: Abhishek Bachchan is now unbearable because he’s trying too hard to be ‘cool’. We would rather prefer a serious Abhi of Naach than an unconvincing cool dude of Players. So why is this film featured in this list? Because, it fails to carry forward the legacy of Amitabh-Jaya starrer Abhiman. RGV’s fascination with Antara Mali spoils the film and the plot gets so confusing in later stages that you wonder if they had gotten so bored of shooting that they wrapped up the film in a hurry. A good film went bad.
4. Prem Agan: Have you ever seen a poor guy owing a sports bike? If not, watch Prem Agan, which marked the entry of ‘Mr Imperfectionist’ Fardeen Khan. Though daddy Firoze Khan publicised Prem Agan as a film for intelligence loving generation, he couldn’t prove his smartness in the execution once the film hit the theatres. No wonder why Fardeen is still a fresher.
5. Sabse Bada Khiladi: Just because your servant doesn’t take advantage of your daughter who’s mostly drunk, doesn’t mean you’ll get them hitched. This film is remember for one and only one reason – Mamta Kulkarni’s seductive dance moves in BHoli Bhali Ladki, Khol Tere Dil Ki. Everything else is just farce.
6. Sandwich: You name it and you got it. Govinda again is trapped between two wives, Raveena Tandon and Mahima Chaudhary. His already chaotic life turns more chaotic when his look alike enters his house with evil intentions. You know what happens next. Don’t you? Our heroes never leave any business unfinished.
7. Janasheen: The reason you don’t mind ogling at a bikini-clad blind girl playing violin is because the lady in the frame is Celina Jaitley who very well knows that the only worth-flaunting thing she has are her pair of ‘headlights’, and that’s why she pools her entire energy in getting the shot right. Everyone else, Fardeen Khan and Firoz Khan do what they do the best – look fascinated by adultery.
8. Tarzan The Wonder Car: How would you react if we tell you that this film is one of the top revenue generators on television? It’s hard to believe but it’s true that the film about a macho machine proved profitable on the idiot box but a dud elsewhere. If you really want a car to be the central character of the film, you better be serious about the script. Abbas-Mastan are not that sound to carry such a film.
9. Tashan: Kareena’s size zero and zero collection at the box office was the highlights of this film that looked stylish in promos but stale in script. Anil Kapoor tried too hard to strike a funny note with Hinglish-Bhojpuri accent but failed. Even the screen presence Saif and Akshay couldn’t salvage this good-looking badly written love rectangle. Kareena justified her paycheck by ‘just looking sexy’ in that bikini.
10. What’s your Rashi? To only the sons of filmmakers, life gives a second chance and that too a good one. But there’s something called destiny, which if not on your side, fucks you real hard. That’s what happened to Harman Baweja, who was re-launched by Ashutosh Gowariker in his three and a half hour never ending film about a guy who wants to meet one prospective bride from every sunsign. We couldn’t watch this film at one go because the popcorns didn’t have the required calories to keep us awake. Cant trash it any further, we’re about to sleep again.
11. Yashwant: Ek Machar Aadmi Ko Hijda Bana Deta Hai but ek Nana Pateker poori duniya ko behara (deaf) bana sakta hai. Nana Pateker in his initial years in Bollywood didn’t need a microphone because he was born with one fitted in the vocal chord. After Krantiveer, Nana once again tries to be a dada who decides to change the system even if it costs him his life and marriage. We weren’t convinced though.
12. China Gate: Though we don’t doubt the credibility of its leading cast but who’ll pay to watch ten court-martialed army officials chasing a dacoit at a time when humour and romance were the flavour of Bollywood. Still the film can be loosely compared to Sholey because of the villain, Jageera (Mukesh Tiwari) who looks as evil as you can think of. Watch it for him and you’ll realize what he has done to himself in Golmal Series where he plays Vasooli Bhai. Urmila Mantodkar’s Chamma Chamma is out of place.
13. Main Prem Ki Diwani Hu: Over acting by Hrithik Roshan and underacting (allow us to coin this term) by Abhishek Bachchan make this film one of the most insipid love triangle ever made in Bollywood. Hrithik is so loud that we wonder if he and Nana Pateker went to the same acting school. In the first fifteen minutes you realise that Sooraj Barjatya, the director, has taken the audience for granted while making this film. No wonder why he was hiding his face after the release of this film.
14. Agyaat: God hasn’t been kind to Ramu’s thrillers, which always end up being a laugh riot. Agyaat met with a similar fate. It’s about a film crew that’s shooting in the jungles. Soon their life is threatened by something unknown. The reason why filmmakers don’t try thriller is because it needs to be made by someone who’s brainy and classy. Ramu was one when he made Bhoot, but not in his subsequent films. It’s third-degree torture.
15. Vivaah: If you found this film cute, you’re reading the wrong magazine. The film should have release in Seventies when people still believed in the values of a joint family, unnecessary rona-dhona, protective father and uncertain mothers. Shahid’s ideal guy representation is hard to digest considering his real life casanova image. Amrita Rao looks more like Balika Vadhu than a mature girl who has faced the hardships of being an orphan. There’re shades of Satyam, Shivam, Sundaram too. Sooraj Barjatya fooled again.
16. Chandra Mukhi: Most of us were still in school when this film hit the neighbourhood single screen theatre. While Salman was gaining hold in the industry, it was Sridevi who needed to prove her self once again after magical boxoffice success in Eighties. But the quest ended in a disaster with this movie about a magician princess who has come from some mystic planet to find her lost magic wand. Jeetendra’s Pataal Bhairavi was way better.
17. Main Solah Baras Ki: We love Dev Anand because he believed in his films and everything that he did but that isn’t enough to praise the films he made in the Nineties. With MSBK, De tried hard to assure us that he understands the sensibilities of modern audience. As a result, he goes all out to produce, direct, write and act in his film about a teen who would do anything to make him notice her as a women. Too desperate.
18. Khel: When you don’t see a career in acting, turn into a producer. The film is a desperate act to boost the never-flourishing career of Sunil Shetty (who turned producer with this film), a tired Sunny Deol, a retired cricketer Ajay Jadeja and ‘even-I-can’t-act though I look sexy’ type actress Celina Jaitley. You still need more reasons to not watch this film? Help yourself. Buy a DVD if it’s at all available in the market.
19. Deshdrohi: There’s a reason why we love to hate Kamaal R Khan (and he loves to hate us too). No could explain the success of this crackpot’s debut film that pissed of those who just need an excuse to give gyaan on the rules of filmmaking. Deshdrohi was a work that intended to encash on the sentiments of North Indian who were being made to feel like an outsider in Mumbai. And KRK succeeded. No matter how unpleasant the film looks like the dialogues were the flavour of the season. Remember, “Jitni Nafrat Hamare Liye Tumhare Dil Mein Hai, Usse Zyada Pyaar Tumhaare Liye Humaare Seene Mein Hai.” KRK is now-a-days so popular that Shahrukh doesn’t respond when you address him as SRK. Also, this was the only film, we remember, to which film critique Nikhat Kazmi gave 1.5 stars. Even the worst of the worst film gets a three-star from her. Even she hated Deshdrohi.
20. Trimurti: Subhash Ghai tasted failure for the first time in over a decade when this mega-budgeted multistarrer hit the silverscreen. Directed by Mukul S Anand of Agnipath fame, this catastrophe was a sort of remake of Ghai’ runaway hit Ram-Lakhan. Even his lucky mascots Jackie Shroff and Anil Kapoor couldn’t save the much-hyped project, which turned out to be such a dud that the showman refused to acknowledge it as his film though he was the one who reshot the film’s climax. Barring the music, there was no reason for audience to turn up at the ticket counter to once again watch the ethical debate amongst brothers.
21. English Babu Desi Mem: It’s good to know women who’re doting mother during the day and cabaret dancer at night. It adds to their appeal. In a nutshell, it defines what Sonali Bendre does in this film. For Shahrukh, he’s a NRI who returns home to Mumbai to back with him his dead brother’s eight-year old son. He faces a dilemma when he falls for the kid’s caretaker Bijuriya and has to choose between England and India. As if we didn’t know whom would he choose?
22. Lal Badshah: Was Amitabh Bachchan drugged to sign this foolish film or was he paid a million dollar to sign this K C Bokadia dud? We have no clue and we don’t care because this is the Big B we would rather like to forget. How was he convinced to play his own dad and star opposite younger stars like Manisha Koirala and Shilpa Shetty? Or was it a pay back time because Bokadia gave AB a surprise hit in Aaj Ka Arjun after the successive failure of Toofan, Jaadugar and Ganga, Jamuna Saraswati?
23. Rajkumar: Meet our Indian Robinhood, Rajkumar. The hairy devil, Rajkumar (Anil Kapoor) is the son of a king who was killed by the wicked prime minister of neighbouring country. While the king’s widow wants to kill the princess of the culprit’s state to take the revenge, Rajkumar is smitten by the princess and would do anything to marry. Even fight her own people. Story sounds interesting but came at a time when Anil had lost his popularity and such subject were considered past its sell-by date.
24. Aap Ka Suroor: This film fared well at the box-office so it would be foolish to trash it commercially. Secondly, it looked fresh, certainly not because of the leading pair, but because of the locales. Now lets get to business. Himesh, you’re not a singer, certainly not an actor so please spare our eardrums and us. Secondly, we doubt if you or whosoever agreed to cast Hansika Motwani against you was a pedophile because she was still a kid when this film was released. She tried everything possible to establish that her vital body parts have developed but the desperation was sheer disappointment. So was the film. Nasal twang was the last in the line of most annoying aspects of the film.
25. Aan-Men at work: Madhur Bhandarker films may be able to bring you face to face with realities of several institutions or professions but the fact is, he lacks the finesse of a quality filmmaker and Aan proves us right. It focuses on the hardships of under paid, over worked, highly pressurised crime branch officers. All that shit that you’ve already been told in numerous encounter specialist films is packed here. If ten people went to watch this film in theatre, it was because of Akshay Kumar and Irfan Khan who attempt to deliver a decent performance. Everyone else, including Paresh Rawal and Shatrughan Sinha, should be kicked between the legs to be in this film.
26. Chatur Singh Two Star: Ask yourself, why Amisha Patel deserves to be in Bollywood if she hasn’t been able to deliver one decent performance in a decade? First she wanted to look like a cute girl during the Kaho Na Pyaar Hai days, then she suddenly started seducing Saif in a two-piece bikini in Thoda Pyar Thoda Magic and now that she has turned producer with this film, someone told her that even breasts and naval can be expressive so she starts displaying them even when it’s uncalled for. Patel rap is so out of sync. As for Sanjay Dutt, he’s no inspector Jacques Clouseau of The Pink Panther. Some people found it so bad that they actually enjoyed it.
27. Karzzzz: There’s a reason why there’re three extra ‘z’ in the name of this film that’s a remake of Rishi Kapoor’s Karz. The makers knew that 10 minutes into the show, the audience would doze off. Kudos to the financers who showed faith in the script that wanted Himesh to play Jimmy. We’re sure they’ve a lot Karzzz on their shoulders. Urmila in Simi’s shoes is still bearable considering the grief that Himesh’s presence on the screen breeds. HR crossed all barriers when he tried to copy Karunesh’s Punjab for the opening track.
28. Prince: “Yes, Vivek Oberoi is alive,” this film was made to pronounce Ash’s former as ‘not dead’ after being hooted for all those silly movies he acted in. The problem with Vivek is same as that of Abhishek. Both of them are terrific in serious roles but they wasted their life styling their hair when they could have excelled in performance-oriented roles. Wasn’t Vivek terrific in Company, Dum and Rakhtcharitra series? Prince is world’s smartest thief who one day wakes up with a lost memory and a bullet shot. Then he does what Jason Borne did in Borne Supremacy — trace his identity. We liked the girls though.
29. Home Delivery: There’s a certain level of smartness you expect from a Boman Irani film, and that’s what made us watch this film. But even the best make wrong choices and this film must be an embarrassment for Boman. Vivek plays a loveguru who takes his loving girlfriend and live-in partner Ayesha Takia for granted. Things go ugly when the loveguru meet a sultry celebrity Mahima Chaudhary and starts fantasizing about her. Enters Santa looking pizza delivery man (Boman Irani) who salvages the collapsing relationship.
30. Darna Zaroori Hai: We still haven’t stopped laughing on the sequence in which the entire city turns into an apple. We understand that Ramu wanted us to get scared but for that he shouldn’t have picturised a joke. Even Ramsay films are more horrifying than Ramu’s line of bland ghost films. Well, we wouldn’t mind Sanjay Kapoor transforms into an apple in reality. What good is his life for anyways?
31. Kyunki Main Jhooth Nahi Bolta: Govinda must be lying if he says that he doesn’t try to be Jim Carrie not just in this film but also in his entire career. It’s hard to believe that this one was produced by Ekta Kapoor and the makers thought that the audience wouldn’t know that the script has been cheated from Jim Carreie’s Liar Liar.