Men Who Uninspire India – I
It’s sickening to read the name of singer Sonu Nigam in the list of India’s most desirable. Agreed we don’t second his vocal abilities, but we don’t understand what makes him desirable. For your sake, we vow that one day we will shoot the people behind such lists, but until then, here’s our list of losers who add to the inventory of good-for-nothing men.
- Amar Singh: The big-mouthed politico has troubled his friends (AB, Mulayam Singh Yadav and Sanjay Dutt) more than his enemies. First, he sent a Rs 10 lakh cheque to the family of Batla House encounter martyr Mohan Chand Sharma and later called for an enquiry into the firing. Sharma’s returned the cheque, which had anyways bounced. But the minister didn’t stop there. He has also been charged of bribing parliamentarians and talking sex with a Bollywood babe. Now his return to mainstream politics is a distant dream.
- Tusshar Kapoor: He doesn’t have the looks, build or skills of an actor, and yet he has been around for over a decade. All thanks to his super successful sister Ekta Kapoor and good friend Rohit Shetty who keeps casting him as deaf-dumb Lucky in the Golmaal series.
- Suresh Kalmadi: We still don’t understand why countries take pride in hosting Commonwealth events, which are organised in the former colonies that were once part of the British Empire. The sports mafia led by Kalmadi added to our disappointment by orchestrating the biggest sports scam of Indian sports. This is the same man who once refused to honour three medalists at the 2008 Summer Olympics because he was not offered a chair next to the Vice-President of India – Hamid Ansari. Now you know whom to blame if India never gets a chance to host the Olympics.
- Baba Ramdev: From The New York Times to Amitabh Bachchan and the common man, everyone has applauded his asanas, but his political ambitions have made even his most ardent followers question his intentions. His biggest blunder was to use female supporters as a shield against police officers at Ramlila Maidan and then vanish wearing a salwar-kameez. Had he surrendered voluntarily, his popularity would have only grown.
- A Raja: How to abuse power? No one knows it better than this former telecom minister who allegedly caused a loss of around 2 lakh crore to the country, while distributing spectrum deals to telecom operators. Recently, the Supreme Court quashed all 122 licenses issued during his tenure and said that he favoured some companies at the cost of the public exchequer and virtually gifted away important national assets.
- Ramalinga Raju: Satyam was the hope of corporate India. They not only introduced Internet in the country, but also established the might of Indian software professionals globally. Just when it seemed that nothing could go wrong with this company, in 2009 Raju admitted that the company’s account have been played with over the years. The dupery was estimated to be of Rs 14,000 crores. Dummy accounts and forged accusations were made to present a brighter picture of the firm to the six lakh shareholders. However, nothing could prevent Satyam’s ultimate riches to rags destiny.
- Lalu Prasad Yadav: If you can constantly mock at that Bihari friend of yours without facing any sign of protest, you should be thanking this guy who gave you several valid reasons to. Lalu, his wife Rabri Devi and brother-in-law Sadhu Yadav literally made a joke out of the state that once was one of the most flourishing states in the country. He is known to have commissioned authors to write books that praise him, and got cosmetic brands, tobacco products and chocolates launched in his name. Not surprising then that his list of scams outnumbers his kid count of 9.
- Laxman Savadi, CC Patil and Krishna Palemar: These ministers were caught watching porn when the session of the Karnataka assembly was in progress. But that’s not what we’re worried about. We seriously don’t mind it if our ministers watch porn because atleast it proves that something somewhere is getting their attention. But we marvel their smartness because you just can’t afford to get taped watching porn and that too in parliament.
- Uday Chopra: It must be so humiliating to be Uday Chopra. Not even Aditya Chopra knows when Dhoom 3 will start rolling, but last we heard Uday has already started preparing for the role by training on his bike. Frankly, we wouldn’t call that preparation until you’re eyeing a career as a mechanic. But to top it off, he’s also planning to ditch acting and trying out direction. God, please save us.
- Himesh Reshamiya: Let’s face it: his music has mass appeal and at some point of time, most of us loved Aashiq Banaya Aapne. So why do we love to hate him? Primarily because of his infamous nasal twang, trademark cap, crappy haircuts, undying desire to bore us with his films and copying Karunesh’s Punjab for one of the tracks of his disastrous film Karzzz thinking that it would go unnoticed. We’re still wondering what made Pooja Bhatt sign him for Kajrare, the remake of Sanju Baba’s Sadak.
- Shrivardhan Trivedi: Sansani, best defined as the televised version of Manohar Kahaniya, has been the most watched news program ever since its launch. No one else, but its anchor, deserves the credit. However, this guy has also become the most embarrassing face of Indian television. He looks more horrific than the criminals that are shown in the show. Whenever he shouts, “Sannate ko cheerti Sansani”, it seems like he would come out of the idiot box and beat us up if we dare to change the channel during commercial breaks.
- Amar Upadhyay: We don’t know how good or bad he was as Mihir Virani in Kyonki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi… Maybe people who read GQ or Femina can tell you better, but we followed him closely in Bigg Boss season 5 and just had to nominate him for this list. Salman was right when he more or less called Amar spineless on the show. He’s the real-life phattu that no man would never ever want to be. After Juhi and Sunny accused him of getting too close to them, he appeared so scared of his wife that we were embarrassed for him. Be a man Amar. Life’s not a daily soap.
- Rahul Mahajan: Had we been the son of Pramod Mahajan, we would have made sure that our cocktail-of-drugs-adventure doesn’t go public. Also, we would have never needed a reality show to help us get hitched. His one after another volley of mistakes fucked up the political stage that his father had set for him. So much so that even losers would call Rahul a loser.
- Digvijay Singh: Speak, but speak sense. When Osama Bin Laden was killed last year, he referred to him as ‘Osama Ji’, as if the most-wanted terrorist was his father-in-law. No wonder he was heavily criticised for his choice of words. Even his own party has distanced itself from his foolish comments in the press at times. He also spoke heavily against the anti-corruption movement of Anna Hazare. ‘Sonia Ji’, how about getting his vocal chords removed?
- Kamaal R Khan: It’s hard to believe that God makes such men. Going by his looks, his debut film Deshdrohi and his command over English, we doubt if even prostitutes would agree to sleep with him. Every morning he sends a Tweet kiss to actress Asin, then talks about who he is fucking and ends the day with who he plans to fuck. One of his recent tweets read, “Kiss to ASS means Asin, Sara, Sunny.” Maybe even we should be featured in the list for following his Tweets so closely.
- Ram Gopal Varma: He claims that he makes films for himself. We suggest he should release it privately on his home theatre because his films are dreaded more than the apocalypse. Filmmakers who started later than him, Anurag Kashyap and Shimit Amin, now have a better grip in the industry than the man who gave us Satya and Rangeela. We’re tired of his sleazy thrillers and unimaginative horror films now.