7 Resolutions A Man Would Never Make
7. Break a record
Here’s what you do: take a stupid (but official) world record that nobody cares about – something like “Most buckets of oxtail soup thrown over a six-foot fence in one minute” – then set about obliterating that record, under official Guinness adjudication, so that your name appears in the World Records book every year from now until the sun burns out. Shouldn’t be too tricky, this: most of the dafter records are held by children, who tend to be both weak and stupid.
6. Enter every competition you hear about
Competitions rarely get many entries, even if the prize on offer is a 200-inch telly and a thrice-around-the-world ticket. In fact, the number of entries will often barely reach double figures. So enter the next 10 competitions you see, and you stand a good chance of winning at least one of them. Although, obviously, we have just slightly knackered those odds by letting the cat out of the bag...
5. Revive an annoying catchphrase
There’s one sure-fire way to measure the regard you’re held in by friends and family: resurrect a once-omnipresent catchphrase by repeatedly dropping it into the conversation, then see how far it spreads within your social circle. The more recent the catchphrase, the bigger the challenge: drop a “Whassup?” down the pub and you’ll draw some chuckles; try the same with “Simples!” and you may as well have whipped out a scabby testicle.
4. Stop wearing knackered underwear
Is the waistband all frayed? Has the elastic lost all elasticity? Has the colour turned from pristine white to sickly grey? Do they predate the iPhone? Then for the love of Baby Jesus, throw them out and treat yourself to some new ones.
3. Install a porn-blocker on your phone
Thanks to smartphones and 4G, you’re never more than a swipe away from face-melting triple-X grumble. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, you always know in the back of your mind that there are pregnant German bukkake-hobbyists waiting for you, right there in your pocket. But if you’ve ever caught sight of yourself in a bathroom mirror, jeffing one off over the same phone you FaceTime
your mum with, you’ll know that’s not a temptation worth having.
2. Escape your chocolate monotony
Most men go through life rotating through the exact same half a dozen chocolate bars, and they’ll rarely venture outside their confectionery safety zone. But a life without risk is a life only half-lived. So why not try a completely different chocolate bar every single day in 2014? Not every confection will be to your liking, but that’s not the point – you’ll be alive, goddammit! Now, granted, it’s going to get pretty challenging finding new bars by around the June mark, but that’s when you need to dig deep: Jameson’s Raspberry Ruffle Bar, Hershey’s Cookies ‘N’ Creme, and so on and so forth.
1. Do a bank robbery
Nobody really robs banks any more, do they? But why not? It’s exciting, plus you’ll be stinking rich afterwards! Here’s how you pull off a successful heist in four easy steps:
1) Watch Heat, Ocean’s Eleven and Point Break; 2) Get a good night’s kip; 3) Have a full English breakfast; 4) Rob a bank. Easy. 50/50 split, yeah?