Holiday Survival Manual

Holiday Survival Manual

Entertainment source unresponsive

You’ve run the gauntlet of the airport without sustaining serious injury, and your flight is now airborne. But your relief swiftly turns to gut-wrenching alarm as you discover that your in-flight entertainment system is completely shot, and you’re not going to be able to watch that Rachel McAdams romcom you spotted in the viewing guide.  

Course Of Action
Using the mini screwdriver set you smuggled onboard inside your anus, remove the entertainment system’s screen, yank out all the wires, cram yourself underneath the seat in front, use the screen as a miniature quilt and the wires as a pillow, and catch up on some much-needed R’n’R. Outside-the-box thinking.  

Airport Driver Trickery

Having made it through passport control and baggage reclaim without having to resort to karate chops and spinny kicks, you approach a local taxi operator and interrogate him as to how much currency he’d require to safely transport you to your target destination, the hotel. Stroking his fiendishly foreign moustache, he responds with an unacceptably high number.

Course Of Action

Haggling? Forget about it. Haggling is for civilians, kidnap victims and the dead. How far can it be – eight, nine kms? Guided by star systems, the dung trails of local homeless people
and pure animalistic intuition, you can journey to your hotel on foot. Now roll out.

Beach Patrol

You wake up to find yourself slumped against a fire extinguisher in the corridor outside your hotel room. Your mind aches from last night’s skirmishes; your phone displays a coded message from your unit: “Wer goin 2 beach meet u n reseption in 10”.

Course Of Action

Once your unit arrives at the beach, ensure you set up camp equidistantly far away from A) screeching, ice cream-demented kids; B) cheap iPhone speakers parping out distorted EDM; C) intimidatingly buff Italian males playing volleyball. Once there, mark a perimeter line in the sand – any person, frisbee or friendly dog crossing this line should be immediately issued the shoutiest warning you can muster.

Hotel Room Disparity

Upon entering your hotel room (screeching and performing a forward roll, thereby surprising any ambushers lying in wait), you’re gravely disappointed to see that it’s markedly different from its depiction in the intelligence report – or ‘brochure’ – that you studied back home in India. Deluxe double broom cupboard. Wet room: mouldy shower. Air-con: Feeble. View: half-built hotel next door.

Course Of Action

The last thing you want to do is draw attention to yourself by complaining to
the hotel’s commanding officer. Your best plan is to wage a war of attrition, starving the hotel of your custom by refusing to order room service or eat in the restaurant. Instead, you’ll subsist on foraged berries, liquid soap, and urine boiled in the titchy kettle. We’ll see who blinks first.

Trending Now